The stars are out the sliding door and I’ve been told why it is they seem to sparkle. Their positions are not defined. They vibrate between states and to turn a microscope on the macroscopic is to find these stars popping out and popping into the void, little holographic gluons in your telescope. Make of this whatever you will.
The black yard behind the sliding door – night-time the glass reflecting on an angle the flat TV screen bolted to my wall. There are 300 channels on my wall, plus Hulu and Netflix and Crackle and yes YouTube. On the flat-screen bolted to my wall is static, crisp black and white static.
Down below this is the planet of pilots and pioneers, entrepreneurs and Hollywood excess. This is the planet where men live in towers and connect 4 billion people via fiber-optic cables. This is where you can spend your life singing, building, loving, fucking, digging, writing, amassing wealth in glass swimming pools over Dubai. This is the world you can hitchhike New York to Caracas, Paris to Hong Kong.
I sit in my car listening to talk radio because it reminds me of nothing.
The problem with listening to music
is that something is felt.
And feeling is painful
I am the hollow mannequin beside you in class every Monday Wednesday and Friday. This skull is a gouged-out gourd. I will not survive the winter, shivering and bundled in a fetal position on the floor of my car, having decided I can no longer make the drive home.
Here are my childhood dreams: New York Yankee, astronaut first man on Mars, theoretical physicist, rock-star god, philosopher-writer, career delinquent drunk I was going to see the world once.
I am going to be a…
I am going to graduate college finally at 28 this fourth or fifth time I’ll actually manage. Just make it to class and make it to homework and make it to studying the silence that runs interference against your brain-waves you’ve always known this to be hopeless.
My chest the imploding vacuum: heart, fainting sun in the center nothing.
There is a risk here of implosion – I feel people as they walk by, their proximities unwanted violations of my suppurating psyche. If I don’t keep a job my family dies. I may very well crumple and die. Just please follow their orders stay where you stand please you were asked to just please can you focus please they asked you to automate the mandate that you collate these files by date – no, they said to collect. Just please can’t you why can’t you just stay at your desk stay in chair stay with your due dates and finally actually just graduate. Get a real job. A career. Your family can eat please. You can eat sleep somewhere other than the blanket pile on the floor. Just please please please hold these things together please
If I can hear the inside of my skull, and I can, I can hear the inside of my skull:
the faint hum of static
vibrates the backs of my eyeballs staring blankly at the wall.
please sway gently in the chair.